Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
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My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
#Caturday
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.