hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
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Donating blood today to make room for more food
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
(yawn)
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Beauty and the Beast