…u ok Nintendo?
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I didn’t see you first.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
My niece said I look like a mom. So now we’re playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.