I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
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wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Anime is real
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.