Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
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Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
me and who
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Lmfaoooooo
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.