My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
You Might Also Like
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
[shakes fist at other fist]
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Science memes
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I support this random dude and all his protests
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.