BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
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Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
even bears disappoint their mothers
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
These aliens are taking forever.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)