[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
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I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*