ME: Eat your lemon
ME: It stops scurvy
PIRATE: [folds arms, shuts eye]
ME: [carves tiny skull on lemon]
PIRATE: [opens eye a bit]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
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Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
nobody’s gonna understand
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*