Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
You Might Also Like
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Oh boy, $150,000!
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I was just discussing this with my cat