Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
You Might Also Like
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Kids: Stay in school.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]