Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

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Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.


wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go


Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.


If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”


I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank


You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.


Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.


[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?


(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*