My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
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ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho