Whoever keeps dressing our president in golf clothes and putting him in golf carts, please stop, he’s trying to make phone calls and work.
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SATAN: welcome to hell
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I suddenly realized that I’ve never had an epiphany.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
Gravediggers: this is why
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Me: Omelette you eat now
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.