Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
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[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Kermit goes Blue.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.