be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

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Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?


After you’re done looking for true love on Twitter, you should go ride a unicorn around Atlantis, then eat some heart-healthy ice cream.


ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*


“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.


When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine

I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can


When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things


gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods


Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.