@mashyboo

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

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@SladeWentworth

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

@BarebakAssassin

After you’re done looking for true love on Twitter, you should go ride a unicorn around Atlantis, then eat some heart-healthy ice cream.

@SirEviscerate

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

@panTdropper

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

@Smooheed

When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine

I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can

@JimmerThatisAll

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

@nachdermas

gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods

@SkylarMarshai

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.