Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Be careful, newbies. Twitter changes you. I used to be Puerto Rican, now I’m Irish.
You Might Also Like
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Recently had a cat-scan.
They didn’t find any cats.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her