Be careful, newbies. Twitter changes you. I used to be Puerto Rican, now I’m Irish.

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Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.


A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.


i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”


kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can


[SyFy pitch meeting]

Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon


Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.


I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.


My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her