“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
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Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
This is my pinned tweet
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.