Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
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I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
You learn something every day
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?