be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
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You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo