“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
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Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
File under excellent bookstore names.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves