“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
You Might Also Like
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!