Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
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The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard