Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
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It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.