Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
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Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Lucky for them, they’re cute