WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
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verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself