Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

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Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”


Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.


if i must be murdered, my one request is that you leave my body propped up in a spinning chair faced away from the door so that whoever finds me will gently tap my shoulder and cause the chair to turn and theatrically reveal my corpse while thunder rolls above


Hey water enhancer company, you could have made your pineapple flavor literally any other color.


Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.


Guys I just seen this girl crying outside of my local mall. I asked her what’s wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When God blesses you, you must bless others. Spread love. ❤️❤️


Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me


A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”