@citizenkawala

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

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@UncleDuke1969

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

@mommywhitfield

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

@SeriesCam

if i must be murdered, my one request is that you leave my body propped up in a spinning chair faced away from the door so that whoever finds me will gently tap my shoulder and cause the chair to turn and theatrically reveal my corpse while thunder rolls above

@tastefactory

Hey water enhancer company, you could have made your pineapple flavor literally any other color.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

@khanyew3st

Guys I just seen this girl crying outside of my local mall. I asked her what’s wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When God blesses you, you must bless others. Spread love. ❤️❤️

@bartandsoul

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

@Mike_Bianchi

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”