@citizenkawala

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

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@andrewnotsicko

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

@ojedge

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

@Crunch11b

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

@SteveSuckington

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

@recoveringbapti

The word “Diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backward it’s even more stupid…

@HeyJohnDuke

“First time caller, long time listener”—Alexander Graham Bell

@carlyken

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

@TheAlexNevil

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.