Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
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For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
going to the ER y’all need anything
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume