@capnwatsisname

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

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@CafeinatedBacon

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

@RodLacroix

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

@seegreenfairys

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

@NickMotown

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

@loribuckmajor

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

@jackmackenroth

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

@ThaJawn

*hires court room sketch artist for your intervention

@TheMichaelRock

When my car starts making weird noises I just assume it’s becoming a Transformer.

@isabelzawtun

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”