Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
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Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes