Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
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RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?