@PeachyPixel8

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

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@rachelle_mandik

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

@WesTheFatKid

“Because Im a goddamned rock star!” wasn’t the answer my boss was looking for as to why I was late to work, lesson learned.

@TheMichaelRock

Batman would probably be a better crime-fighter if he wasn’t making movies all the time.

@FKACornshucks

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

@AndrewNadeau0

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

@RidiculousSheri

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

@dafloydsta

[trying to impress date]

HER: I really want to have children.

ME: [to waiter] Bring us your finest baby.

@JKNenagh

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”