Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
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[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta