Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
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“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
When a shoelace touches your ankle
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.