Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
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Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly