Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

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I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.


Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.


pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?


I was just dancing like nobody was watching and anyway…

my dogs dialed 911 and these firemen think I’m having a seizure.


This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.


[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts


Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.


Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁