Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

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*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*


[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

Siri what is a grape nut


Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?


Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it’s like wow those look cool but in person it’s all omg what do I do


I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.


My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…


Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*


I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*


NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored