I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
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If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I was just dancing like nobody was watching and anyway…
my dogs dialed 911 and these firemen think I’m having a seizure.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight
[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*