@envydatropic

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

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@AimeeHelene1

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

@LurkAtHomeMom

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

@TitaniumToplass

Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it’s like wow those look cool but in person it’s all omg what do I do

@jellybnbonanza

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

@MasonCrossBooks

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

@StarWarsProblms

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

@patrickoriley

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

@ReelQuinn

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored