*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…
One year later…
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
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If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep
Siri what is a grape nut
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it’s like wow those look cool but in person it’s all omg what do I do
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored