Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
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My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
🚲+physics = winner
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Holy moly
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Air pods looking like an angry frog