Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

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*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*


[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”


The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.


Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.


Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher


[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]


Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.


If a guy doesn’t return your texts for 4 months, it might be over.

It probably isn’t, but it might be.