*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”
Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
If a guy doesn’t return your texts for 4 months, it might be over.
It probably isn’t, but it might be.
Sorry about the typos lately you gays.