Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
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I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.