“Be patient.”

– Mr Miyagi telling Daniel how to bang a nurse

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out


On behalf of black people, I’d like to apologize for Nicki Minaj


Hey. Do these camo pants make me look fatigued?


I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags


My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.


[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”


My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine


You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.


A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is