Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed