Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

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My dad:


My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil


It’s weird how in England the passenger drives the car


Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.


I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.


If you haven’t nervously googled “signs that your child is a psychopath” are you even a parent?


I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.


My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.


The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.


ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro