Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
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Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable