Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
You Might Also Like
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
These aliens are taking forever.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!