Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
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my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Inside you there are two wolves
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
A leaf blower, but for people.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much