@2HighBros

be smart 😌

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@Shen_the_Bird

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

@Social_Mime

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

@rajandelman

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

@4evrmalone

met a woman in a bathroom line last night who told me she was a writer and I said I was one too and she was like “oh we’re that Spiderman meme” and then we both immediately, instinctively pointed fingers at each other and I’m still thinking about it

@Neauxpe

Anytime a religious organization follows me I just assume I’m being used as a case study/example and they are praying super hard.

@timdonakowski

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

@gojarbe

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

@3sunzzz

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

@SomthinBoutSara

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

@vineyille

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*