Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
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Ah..makes sense now
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls