Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
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(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Wanna feel old? Only 6 people are now Kung-Fu Fighting.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.