“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
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I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath