“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

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Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon


(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.


On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”


There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.


I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?


husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL


PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake


Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.