“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.