I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
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Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions