Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

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Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?


“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?


I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me


Here’s the thing about the paleo diet. If cavemen could have eaten donuts they would have.


[proctologist’s office]

ME: *unzipping pants nervously*

PROCTOLOGIST: You’re nervous, that’s normal, but please zip my pants back up.


I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.


“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab