@CroweJam

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

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@Tmoney68

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

@shesananteater

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

@nerdamage

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

@ThisLocalHater

I would compare twitter to high school but I don’t remember high school being this stupid

@Ndeshi_M

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

@bingowings14

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

@TravLeBlanc

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

@bornmiserable

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you