@CroweJam

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

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@mommajessiec

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

@WilliamAder

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

@Peauxtassium

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

@sammyrhodes

Here’s the thing about the paleo diet. If cavemen could have eaten donuts they would have.

@AndrewChamings

[proctologist’s office]

ME: *unzipping pants nervously*

PROCTOLOGIST: You’re nervous, that’s normal, but please zip my pants back up.

@JediGigi

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

@AbbieEvansXO

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab