I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
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Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry