Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
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Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
lol
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.