@patnspankme

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

- @patnspankme

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@sarcasticmommy4

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

@flashember

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

@meganamram

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

@FredTaming

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

@Rollinintheseat

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

@xysist

Breakups is just a fancy name for what happens when men win arguments.

@BrandonBrown522

Paranoid? I don’t even know what that word means. I don’t have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.

@KattsDogma

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner