Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

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Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*


The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash


*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones


Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted
Wife: Ya?
Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works
Me: No way a baby’s gettin in here.


Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.


[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story


Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.


Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced


I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.


For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.