@patnspankme

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

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@TheBoydP

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

@pixelatedboat

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

@mattZillaaaa

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted
Wife: Ya?
Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works
Her:..
Me: No way a baby’s gettin in here.

@causticbob

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

@TitansHomer

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

@causticbob

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

@InternetHippo

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

@kentgrossarth

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

@xysist

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.