CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
My time has come.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”