Me: I set a timer for 10 minutes and then it’s time to go in.
Me: but 10 is more than 7.
4: ok, then 6 minutes
Me: …you got a deal
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
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Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
What do you call the yellow ones?
And the black ones?
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say ‘are you’
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-
her: Don’t say it, im leaving
me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins