@junejuly12

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

You Might Also Like

@MJMcKean

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

@vickykhappy

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

@Goofpoops

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

@Bownuggets

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”

@lisaxy424

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

@ericsshadow

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

@KimmyMonte

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

@VapingSonic

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

@JohnLyonTweets

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.