Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
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Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough