Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

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Me: I set a timer for 10 minutes and then it’s time to go in.

4: 7

Me: but 10 is more than 7.

4: ok, then 6 minutes

Me: …you got a deal


Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)


What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.


Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say ‘are you’


The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.


[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much


Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.


My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.


me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-

her: Don’t say it, im leaving


me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins