@junejuly12

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

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@michimama75

Me: I set a timer for 10 minutes and then it’s time to go in.

4: 7

Me: but 10 is more than 7.

4: ok, then 6 minutes

Me: …you got a deal

@i_zzzzzz

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

@OhNoSheTwitnt

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

@daplusk

Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say ‘are you’

@professorkiosk

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

@TheHyyyype

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

@ericonederful

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

@nicfit75

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

@_coryrichardson

me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-

her: Don’t say it, im leaving

[later]

me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins