Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

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Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.


A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.


Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat


Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”


If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.


The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.


I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture


Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again


I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.