The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
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My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.